How do you Parent When you Have Lost Your Mobility?

How do you parent when you’ve lost your mobility?

My sister called when I was on the other line talking with my friend Vicky.  I clicked over to take her call and found that she wanted me to take care of her 15-year-old daughter for 10 days.  I clicked the phone back to Vicky and candidly told her it was my sister wanting me to do childcare.  Even though I didn’t ask for her opinion, she immediately, responded in a rather adamant tone,”You can’t watch her kid.  What can you do for a child?”

At first, I was a little offended and somewhat appalled. I get exhausted from having to defend the limitations disability carries. Frankly, I am sick of people, especially my friends and relatives reminding me of the effect of my disability, instead of rewarding my abilities.  I can’t help but wonder, does it bring them power, in other words do they see themselves as more of a person than I because they are mobile. Maybe their self-esteem needs a boost so they find shortcoming in my physical health.

My well-meaning friend went on to ask me, “How will she eat?” I chuckled to myself and thought, she had forgotten my children were 7 and 11 when I was diagnosed as disabled and their Dad had left, and more so, she was one of the people who supported me with my daughters. Being judged by a stranger is understood but being catorigized as incapable by someone who knows me well is worse.  She would pick them up from school and accompany them on errands. Besides, my niece at the age of fifteen can cook, as a matter of fact, she loves cooking and it is quite evident in each bite.  She is a good cook.

Remembering that people speak from their experiences, I let go of my disappointment and began to put things in perspective. As a parent lying on my back, I recognized that children need so much more support than physical.  I depend on a power greater than myself.  I see how we are all connected in this world. I have learned to see the world as my extended family.  The altruistic aspect of being human connects us all.

Studies show so many of our children are deprived of unconditional love, positive attention, spiritual guidance, a live body to listen and understand them, and moreover, welcome them into the universe as a blessing.  Children need nourishment as well as nurturing.

 

Talk to me……

Book Review: The Soloist by Steve Lopez

Los Angeles Times columnist, Steve Lopez demonstrates, “We are our brother’s keeper” in his novel, “The Soloist.” Lopez ventured out of his office into the community in search of his economic need to find a story.  Moving along the streets Lopez stopped to listen to Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, the violinist.

Although Lopez wasn’t a musician he knew the sound of music performed by a trained person; but what he didn’t know was why was this man who once attended the prestigious New York Julliard School and is now playing for free on Skid Row; LA’s largest homeless population. Lopez believed this would be a valuable story.

He engaged in communication with Nathaniel over a period of days, weeks, and months grinding out the details of his life. He discovered that Nathaniel was plagued with the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia and chose to live on Skid Row, yet this man still had the passion and love for classical music.

At a pivotical point in the unfolding of the story, Lopez decided Nathaniel had a need to have a “normal life” with safety as his primary need to fulfill.  Nathaniel refused, but Lopez being “his brother’s keeper” preserved.

After struggling with Nathaniel to see the benefits of having his own apartment, Lopez began to compare his life with Nathaniel. He focused on his own life acknowledging himself as fortunate; after all, he is healthy, he is educated, he is a professional journalist, he is a homeowner, and he is a husband and a father.  He wanted to use his fortune to help his unfortunate subject, Nathaniel who slept in the unsafe streets with the murders, muggers, drug addicts and the rodents. Yet, Nathaniel continued to refuse.

Respectfully Nathaniel tried to convince Lopez that he was safe and did not need his help to seek an apartment.  Indeed Lopez wanted Nathaniel to move into an apartment and have a more fruitful life. One moment while Lopez ponders Nathaniel repeatedly refusals, he admits to himself that his ego needs Nathaniel to change; he wanted to be identified as his savior.

Through the struggle, Lopez reflects on some of the earlier conversations him and Nathaniel had such as Nathaniel questioning and probing about loving and being committed to something. Nathaniel asked him who some of his favorite writers are, Steve reflects on his college days and admits his skating through classes, applying himself just enough to pass, he had to hesitate and ponder the question and then ask himself, “who is my favorite writer?

Steve had no immediate answers for Nathaniel’s questions.  However, it trigged something in him. Steve acknowledged his lack of relationships, friendships, loyalty, love and passions.

Steve had been functioning perfectly well without those inner displays, just as Nathaniel believed he was okay and functioning without those outer things, which made Steve feel more fortunate than Nathaniel.

Lopez life style agrees with societal view and he sees himself as fortunate and Nathaniel as unfortunate.  Our experiences dictate our lives, Paranoid schizophrenia views Nathaniel life style, and in that world he behaves as his experience dictates, consequently Nathaniel does not express a need to change.

Nathaniel’s behavior leads Lopez to study his diagnosis and its ramifications encourages him to ascertain both primary and secondary research on mental illness.

Lopez is the reason I enjoyed this book, because of his tenacity. Being our brother’s keeper can be a huge challenge as he displays throughout the book.  Not only is Nathaniel Lopez’s brother, but Lopez accepts his position as Nathaniel’s brother.

The two came together and received some unexpected needs for them: restoration for Nathaniel; and Steve begins to understand Nathaniel and gives way to trying to fix him; instead, he develops a loyal friendship. In addition, Lopez searches into other areas for other opportunities: learning to play a guitar, and learning a new language.

 

Lopez and Nathaniel are as different as night and day, yet they walked the streets in the Skid Row community to obtain their needs.  Diversification and community bought them together not only did their lives improve but they became an instrument used to improve each other as well as creating a vehicle to bring a greater need for society…the world.  Together Lopez and Ayers story fostered awareness, educates and funds for the homeless and the mental illness population—“We are our brothers Keeper”

 

Talk to me:   Are you keeping your brother?

 

 

Book Review:

The Soloist

 

Los Angeles Times columnist, Steve Lopez demonstrates, “We are our brother’s keeper” in his novel, “The Soloist”. Lopez ventured out of his office into the community in search of his economic need to find a story.  Moving along the streets Lopez stopped to listen to Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, the violinist.  Although Lopez wasn’t a musician he knew the sound of music performed by a trained person; but what he didn’t know was why was this man who once attended the prestigious New York Julliard School and is now playing for free on Skid Row; LA’s largest homeless population. Lopez believed this would be a valuable story.

He engaged in communication with Nathaniel over a period of days, weeks, and months grinding out the details of his life. He discovered that Nathaniel was plagued with the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia and chose to live on Skid Row, yet this man still had the passion and love for classical music.

At a pivotical point in the unfolding of the story, Lopez decided Nathaniel had a need to have a “normal life” with safety as his primary need to fulfill.  Nathaniel refused, but Lopez being “his brother’s keeper” preserved.

After struggling with Nathaniel to see the benefits of having his own apartment, Lopez began to compare his life with Nathaniel. He focused on his own life acknowledging himself as fortunate; after all, he is healthy, he is educated, he is a professional journalist, he is a homeowner, and he is a husband and a father.  He wanted to use his fortune to help his unfortunate subject, Nathaniel who slept in the unsafe streets with the murders, muggers, drug addicts and the rodents. Yet, Nathaniel continued to refuse.

Respectfully Nathaniel tried to convince Lopez that he was safe and did not need his help to seek an apartment.  Indeed Lopez wanted Nathaniel to move into an apartment and have a more fruitful life. One moment while Lopez ponders Nathaniel repeatedly refusals, he admits to himself that his ego needs Nathaniel to change; he wanted to be identified as his savior.

Through the struggle, Lopez reflects on some of the earlier conversations him and Nathaniel had such as Nathaniel questioning and probing about loving and being committed to something. Nathaniel asked him who some of his favorite writers are, Steve reflects on his college days and admits his skating through classes, applying himself just enough to pass, he had to hesitate and ponder the question and then ask himself, “who is my favorite writer?

Steve had no immediate answers for Nathaniel’s questions.  However, it trigged something in him. Steve acknowledged his lack of relationships, friendships, loyalty, love and passions.

Steve had been functioning perfectly well without those inner displays, just as Nathaniel believed he was okay and functioning without those outer things, which made Steve feel more fortunate than Nathaniel.

Lopez life style agrees with societal view and he sees himself as fortunate and Nathaniel as unfortunate.  Our experiences dictate our lives, Paranoid schizophrenia views Nathaniel life style, and in that world he behaves as his experience dictates, consequently Nathaniel does not express a need to change.

Nathaniel’s behavior leads Lopez to study his diagnosis and its ramifications encourages him to ascertain both primary and secondary research on mental illness.

Lopez is the reason I enjoyed this book, because of his tenacity. Being our brother’s keeper can be a huge challenge as he displays throughout the book.  Not only is Nathaniel Lopez’s brother, but Lopez accepts his position as Nathaniel’s brother.

The two came together and received some unexpected needs for them: restoration for Nathaniel; and Steve begins to understand Nathaniel and gives way to trying to fix him; instead, he develops a loyal friendship. In addition, Lopez searches into other areas for other opportunities: learning to play a guitar, and learning a new language.

 

Lopez and Nathaniel are as different as night and day, yet they walked the streets in the Skid Row community to obtain their needs.  Diversification and community bought them together not only did their lives improve but they became an instrument used to improve each other as well as creating a vehicle to bring a greater need for society…the world.  Together Lopez and Ayers story fostered awareness, educates and funds for the homeless and the mental illness population—“We are our brothers Keeper”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Is She Here?

 

I needed to hire a personal home care worker, and I really wanted her to enjoy outing, especially writing events so I posted an advertisement.  A young lady responded to my ad and we scheduled an interview.  At the interview we both agreed she was not the person for the job, however, she had a friend she thought would be interested.

Several weeks later her friend Amber called me and told me she was a personal health care provider, she had three jobs: one at the local university as an administrator’s assistant, another as home health care provider and a third as a receptionist at a real-estate office.  I was wondering why, if she had all these jobs, she would be interested in working for me.  She continued to talk and told me that she writes and has wanted to be a writer for years.  She believed that working with me would inspire her to write and that she can be my personal healthcare assistant as well.  She said she would call back to schedule an interview.  However, two months lapsed before I heard from her again.

She called and said she was having personal problems.  I listened to her story and she said she could no longer work for me but she still wanted to meet me.  I asked why. She said she didn’t know why but she knew she had to meet me.  I agreed to the meeting because she sounded so convincing, besides the person who suggested her was very nice.

We scheduled an interview. I was at the meeting wondering, “Why is she here?   Do I interview her for the job or what?”  She came in and said she just wanted to meet me and she told me about her desire to write. At the end of the session we both knew her purpose for meeting with me. We are compatible,  interesting and we shared and exchanged new ideas to write about.

Furthermore, we scheduled several events; she attended the writing events with me and she loved it, not only did she enjoy the knowledge but she loved the other writers. I now know why she is here.  she is now my personal assistant, and friend, who loves writing; and anxiously awaits to attend the next event with me.

 

Have you ever had a meeting with someone and wondered why are they here?

 

 

bell hooks: She Beat The Odds

bell hooks: She Beat The Odds

bell was born in the Deep South. She knew at an early age that she wanted to become a writer however; everyone in her life discouraged her. bell was told that she was a woman (a girl) and she was supposed to fish for a husband and have children. Being a homemaker was to be her only priority in her culture.

While growing bell was taught to be afraid of people… “don’t’ trust them, they’re out to get you so growing up she only had one friend, and even that relationship was hard to nurture. Her family did not welcome her companion into their home, and whenever bell would stay late at the girl’s, house, she would be subsequently punished upon her late arrival home.

bell watched her father make her mother into his servant. He would work all day and come home to a clean home and a prepared meal, for that was what he expected. She watched her mother work hard all day doing these chores, and her father wouldn’t ever say thank you. Whenever her father had a hard day at work, he would take out all his anger on his wife (yell at her, shake her up, and jerk her around). bell decided that marriage was the privilege for the man, and she wanted no part in it.

Through her strife, bell decided to become friends with the library; it was her sanctuary, her refuge. She would read for hours. She initially read romantic books but was disillusioned with the fiction, so she began reading poetry and in being inspired by the words, she began to write poetry herself.

Again, it was difficult for her to pursue her passions because her family tried to dilute her wants when she was a teenager, her family tried to set up with a boyfriend, yet they couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to be with a boy, so they called her “funny.” The more she retracted from her family’s matchmaking sentiments, she was pushed closer and closer to her female friend.

bell intentionally made herself unattractive. She noticed that the boys at her school liked the voluptuous girls so she didn’t eat much. Her wiry frame kept the men away. Even when she was in the library, the librarians gave her dissension for not being out looking for a husband.

She read Austin, Fitzgerald, Shakespeare, Hemingway, and Faulkner, which led to the inevitable conclusion that there was more to the world than the Deep South. She traveled/lived/learned about life through books.  Despite all her obstacles, she is a single woman, writing and teaching at University of California Los Angeles, (UCLA)

Prescription For Change

Once you have received the prescription for change and it has changed the situation for you, stay with it forever.  In other words if the prescription is working, adopt it as a lifestyle change. For instance, at the tender age of 25, my health was failing to rheumatoid arthritis. It invaded my body, and took control of my joints, resulting in immobility; my feet were swollen to the size of bowling balls; I could barely walk.

I spent every day in excruciating pain, taking one medication after another. Although I tried, every medical treatment my doctors could come up with, nothing was working. My doctors told me that this daily pain was something that I would just have to learn to live with.

I became so desperate to be healed that I began to consider treatments that were a little off the radar. I heard about a place called Heal Thyself Nutrition Center, an alternative health care facility. I read up a little on it and something told me it was worth checking out. After all, I told myself, could they do any worse than my doctors had?

I made an appointment and drove to the place wondering what I was getting myself into. After filling out the preliminary paperwork with the receptionist, I was taken to the office of Ted the Hygienist, and I sat down opposite him.

Without any introductory chitchat, he began waving a long chain with a charm on it back and forth across my face.  He chanted softly, “Relax, relax, and relax.” Other than that, either of us spoke not a word.  I did my best to cooperate, but I must admit that what was going through my mind was, “This guy is a quack!” Still, I was desperate, so there I sat as Ted waved the charm before me and chanted, “Relax, relax, relax…”

I began to slip into something like a trance. In that tranquil state, I heard Ted’s gentle voice describing how my blood, colon, joints, cartilage, minerals, immune and digestive systems combined to produce disease in my imbalanced body.

“Your body can be put back in balance, but only you can do it,” he said softly, looking deep into my eyes. “Are you committed to being healed?”

“Diane, this is the prescription you will follow for the next 21 days,” he said. “First, make and drink raw fruit and vegetable juices.” As he spoke, I viewed the list of fresh juices—spinach, wheat grass and carrots, collard greens and carrots—each combination sounded more disgusting and inedible than the last.  I tried to refrain from frowning.

Ted continued the outline of my daily treatment routine. I was supposed to meditate for thirty minutes between 4 and 5 AM, and then drink a vile concoction of hot water, garlic, cayenne pepper and olive oil. Then I was to pray and read the Bible. And finally, I had to exercise, practice yoga and deep breathing.

Ted said, “It is each individual’s responsibility to access God’s healing power.

The prescription for change seemed completely unreasonable to me.  Nevertheless, I went home and began taking my new prescription. Approximately two years later, I was jumping off the bed as if I were sixteen years old again. I felt like a spring chicken. There was no ache, no pain, no swelling, no stiffness, and no fatigue. I was so happy I cried a river of joyful tears.

I practiced my prescription for twelve years and I was symptom free, and then one day I reverted back to my old habits, my old lifestyle, and the disease resurfaced with a vengeance, leaving me to be liberated by a wheelchair.

So what do you want to change? Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to be debt free? Do you want a college degree? Do you want a spouse?

No matter what the desire is the results are the same; you must be willing to change. Once you have accepted your prescription for change and it’s giving you the benefits you seek—use that prescription until you no longer want that desire.

Remember, if you want your accomplishment to last for a lifetime, continue using your prescription for change

Develop Success Habits

Three keys to develop success habits: set measurable goals with benefits, join a mastermind group, and “discover your inner winner.”

  • Set measurable goals with benefits: when setting a goal, remember goals solve problems; and you want to alleviate your problems in a timely manner.  State your goal and then have a time line about it for instance, I am a slow reader; whenever, I read I must stop to look up unfamiliar words. My goal is to increase my reading speed by 50 words per minute by July 14, 2011.  My benefit is to increase my reading speed, so I can read two books (250 pages) per month.
  • Mastermind Group: Now that you have set your goals and mapped out your plans, you are motivated.  Immediately, you begin to work your plans, but somewhere along the way, you become distracted and begin to drift.  It feels as if you are not going to make it; the work, the sacrifice, and the commitment are not enough.  Hold on, there is help; buckle down and re-evaluate the benefits for overcoming this problem; and decide whether this is what you really want.  If your answer is yes, create and or build a mastermind group. It will keep you motivated and focused, because the members will hold you accountable for the path you are on to the accomplishment of your success.
  • Discover your inner winner; it builds your self-esteem. I suggest you use meditation or some other technique to probe deep within you to make certain that you have mapped out reachable goals with benefits. Working from the inside out helps to strengthen your instincts and your inner life guide. As you achieve your goals, you trust yourself even more; and there is only one thing left to do—achieve another goal.

Goals Equal Success

Will you be successful without goals? Perhaps, but most successful people set guidelines to aim at the targets they desire to become a part of their lives. Successful people understand that life will present them with problems and a surefire method to solving problems is to focus on achieving goals.

Research has shown the hidden benefits of setting and achieving goals: “Living a less stressful life as well as greater focus, better job performance, better self esteem, and overall being a more self-fulfilled person.”

Goals keep us alive, and wake us up in the morning. They give focus and somewhere to aim. Goals allow having greater control over life. Accomplishing your visions alleviates stress and anxiety; so much that happiness arrives leaving you in a state of bliss.

Whenever you accomplish a goal, embrace your success…Celebrate!

Reflect back on the behavior you used in order to achieve those accomplishments, and celebrate, again, and again. Goals equal success…

Christmas Lights

Christmas is about sharing love, spreading goodwill, and bringing joy to all gods’ servants.  How can we let God’s light shine through us at Christmas time?

A few ways to let your light shine:

  1. Invite someone special to spend the holiday with you, go on the highways and byways and invite someone into your home- go into a senior citizen home or soup kitchen and help at least one person  out of darkness.

 One year a family decided to invite a 90-year-old man from a retirement center into their home for Christmas dinner. After arranging with the retirement home where he lived and working out the logistics of the transportation the family asked the elderly man if he had any special dietary needs. The family befriended the man.

 When the day finally came, and he arrived he had such a sparkle in his eye that he reputedly thanked the hosts who so graciously served him. His family lived far away and was unable to travel to see him, and due to health issues, he wasn’t able to travel himself. He explained that he could have spent the holiday at the retirement center but it was the first holiday in his 90 years that he wasn’t able to spend time with a family, so naturally he was a little depressed, but in being welcomed into a home for the holiday his world was opened up and he felt wanted and empowered. When he got back to the retirement facility, he wrote the family a beautiful thank you card.

      2. Christmas is a very special time of the year; lets’ take this opportunity to show our family and friends how special they are.

 A lady decided to do something different this Christmas. She decided to uplift each person, so she seated her family and friends in a circle and then instructed them to tell, in three minutes what you though why the person to the left of you was special to you.

 By the end of the evening, everyone had bonded in an extremely deep way. Being vulnerable and honest with one another allows walls to come crumbling down, throughout the night each member of the group was reminded that none of us are an island and the student need the teacher just as badly as the teacher needs the student. We are all servants to one another, and that experience proved to the host to be more powerful than she could ever have imagined. Emotional chords were struck as tears flowed free, people the host had never seen touch one another were giving each other bear hugs. This experience broke down barriers.

These are just two things we can do at Christmas time to let our light shine. The gifts the meal and the decorations are all great but the true meaning of Christmas is seeing god’s light shine through another human being.

How are letting your light shine this Christmas?

Is your fiance rich?

Is your fiancé rich?

When I was 22 I was engaged.  While at the supermarket one day I met a woman, of about 80, in the fruit section.  She caught my attention by boldly asking “Is your fiancé rich?”  Stunned by her question, I turned and looked at her while thinking, “She doesn’t even know me” and then “Does she know my fiancé? Does she know something I need to know about him?”

 “Honey, you can love a rich man as well as a poor.  Check out his wallet size first.” The seriousness of her voice startled me.  “At the end of the life that’s all that matters,” she told me.

“Love is for memories but money is for living that’s why you go for the fat wallet first.

You’re married until death do you part. If you divorce you need money to fund alimony and child support and if he dies, you need money to keep living.”

That day I thought she was being a little abrasive and cold but now looking back at the age of 56, and after being married, it makes sense.  Now I’m divorced and living with a disability—no alimony, no child support; no money from that engaged man that turned husband because he was a poor man.  You can’t get blood out of a turnip.